A new kind of ramble- My ADHD journey

Why now? 

I have largely left this blog untouched since 2017 (yet another dropped hobby) but now I feel an urge to take it back up again. An urge to share what my personal journey has been over this last year and ultimately what I have been unknowingly waiting for my entire life. To shine a light on my ADHD and what this journey of discovery has been like is my new compulsion so we'll see how long it lasts!

I would like to be a voice to those who have experienced things similarly to myself and to be honest just unload my mind as all of my new knowledge and understanding is just bouncing around my head 24/7 with nowhere to go so here you are. I am hoping this will start a new series of rambles that loosely covers my learning journey and helpful topics and information I've gathered along the way. It probably won't make sense and I will mostly waffle my way through but I am letting you know now so don't say I didn't warn up. Anyway that's enough of an intro, onto the "interesting" bit..... 

The beginning

Like many other adult ADHDer’s my journey began with the pandemic. I had been pottering my way through life as an outdoor instructor through the year and the winters as a carer. Very active, on the go jobs that were challenging and enjoyable. Then bang! World wide lockdowns, panic and loss. I lost my career, my physique and myself. I found myself moving to a youth worker role which was at first largely home based then office based. This is when I really started to notice my struggles.

I had always been aware I had no filter and saying and doing random things, I had lots of energy, I had strong emotions that I struggled with; these things were always my quirks, what made me me, they were and still are humorous to many. I always had some insecurities about myself and some shame and embarrassment about the daft things I would do/say but life and people had taught me to laugh at them, it was just me and my random personality after all.

But now my ‘personality’ was becoming disruptive. I had little motivation on my own, spending large amounts of my working days doing nothing or watching TV, feeling so low, lacking self-esteem and just feeling useless. Once I moved into the office it got worse, I distracted myself constantly, my colleagues constantly, I was too loud, too energetic, too much. I found I would eat and snack constantly when left to my own devices and I struggled to have the motivation to exercise. It all doesn't sound like a lot or that drastic really but as a person going from being constantly active all day surrounded by people to being largely alone or doing dull laptop work I felt like I suddenly didn't seem to be able to function in 'normal life'.

I began to see many videos on social media that I really related to, I’m sure this will sound like a familiar story for many. It feels a bit cliché now but at the time seeing those videos and seeing myself in them was my first small step towards truly beginning to understand myself. People had always joked that I was different and now I was beginning to see it. Maybe there was something in this, was it more that just 'me'?

I dilly dallied for a long time about getting an assessment because I felt I wasn’t justified, I thought that if I did have ADHD then it wasn’t effecting my life that much! Or was it?

Eventually I contacted the GP and they requested extra information for my referral and sent it all off to Psychiatry UK without even an appointment or a discussion. A very different story from many I know, ironically for me my fight didn't begin until treatment whereas I know many people struggle to even get past gate keeping GPs to access a referral. Psychiatry UK soon got in touch with a portal account and a load more documents to fill in and send off- these took some serious concentration let me tell you! Under desk treadmills have saved my working life. Once completed the wait began.

I know many feel that you don’t need the formal diagnosis to begin learning about and managing your ADHD but I felt like such an imposter, that I needed the validation from an expert to confirm what I was thinking. Because who did I think I was coming along labelling myself!

Throughout my 6 month wait I found information online, social media accounts and podcasts to listen to and really tried to absorb what I could of people's lived experiences with their ADHD and began to understand more fully the different symptoms and the reasons behind them. That really helped me begin to see what ADHD actually was and recognise it more and more in my own life. A series of aha moments and pennies dropping you could say. 

In the hopes of not boring you all to death completely I will do this in short and easy posts because if you're anything like me I hate being faced with a huge block of writing. Follow on for the next installment about my diagnosis and struggle for treatment.

If anyone has actually read this please pop a comment in as it would be great to hear if this resonates with anyone or if there's a topic that would help for me to talk about.

 

Why Wild Swim?

There are so many reasons to swim outside that it is baffling that more people don’t! My main reason was an amazing girl I met in Ireland who thrust it at me with so much enthusiasm and enjoyment that I couldn’t help but love every part of it.

“But it’s cold? It might be dangerous? You’re crazy! It’s raining! I bet it’s fresh! What about the currents? What if you become hypothermic?” Blah blah blah

I began to wild swim regularly in Carlingford, Ireland, a beautiful little place. We would often swim out from the beach and swim the length of the pier wall or swim between the two ends of the piers jutting out from the harbour. My wonderful friend and I. Occasionally we brought others but I was the only one brave enough to go regularly with her. Claire was my driving force against the laziness and comfort of inside, I always knew she was right about how great it would be when we got out there. Some mornings we would go out and find the water mirror flat with the Mountains of Mourne framing the scene in front and the quaint medieval town creating the back drop. A lot of mornings we would come out to the sun rise, we were so thankful each morning we were there, experiencing the quiet and wonder no one else was there for. We even went out one afternoon in the grey and fog and somehow that was just as beautiful and magical as seeing the fairylike scenery surrounding you. Being able to not see much left space to fill your mind with whatever you liked as you floated through the water.

One particular swim that was incredibly memorable was when we travelled around Ireland post work in November time. Now of course the most logical place to start would have to be the most northerly point which ironically is located in the South of Ireland. Malin Head, a little peninsula jutting out of the North West of the country where they filmed a lot of the new Star Wars films. We wild camped on a headland under the stars and a faint greenish glow, a little hint of the Aurora Borealis. In the morning Claire and I could not resist a dip in the turquoise water of the harbour as the tide swept in. Now when I say turquoise the water was overwhelmingly blue. The waves were quite big and in fact we spent little time swimming but just playing in the surf, jumping up and down with the waves. Simply playing. It was even raining that day, hardly the picture-perfect swim but the feel of the water around was so luscious I barely felt the cold. Later a man in the local pub told is that the gulf stream flows past not far from shore keeping the water relatively warm and healthy. Wild swimming secret, you only feel the cold when you get out and leave the magic behind.

I have swum in many other places since; a sweetly cold skinny dip in Glenveagh National Park, Donegal, a few lakes in the Lake District amid a myriad of different weathers. Most notably with snow on the ground in January tentatively entering Grasmere Lake. Possibly the coldest swim I’ve ever done, we only stayed in a few minutes and were completely chilled to the bone. I’ve swam in mountain tarns in the Lakes and in the Peak District, in a few rivers, the River Wye and the River Derwent (the one through Derbyshire). Each has brought a whole host of amazing feelings swinging between an intense spirituality and connection with what’s around you to taking a plunge into yourself and feeling not just your mind and soul reacting but also your body. Those ancient survival systems kicking in. From the butterflies at the start, the nervous laughs and the oohs, aahs as your body takes in the cold and does it’s best to maintain your temperature. Heavy breathing and pounding heart as your body works past it’s limit. Pins and needles sometimes (I thankfully don’t get that so much anymore). One of my favourite things is almost being able to feel my blood sluggishly trying to push warmth around my body. I really feel this once I get out and you’re relieved of the weight of the cold and you feel the rush go around you, warmer each time. Something I can imagine akin to taking some kind of drug or another. Also, that feeling of knowing your skin is completely numb but feeling okay inside, I like to call it my little ball of warmth inside, the core spot that is essentially your radiator.

The sea is still one of my favourite places to swim though, so much change throughout the day you have to grab your chance at high tide and lose yourself in the horizon line, that end of the world drop off that calls to the adventurer in your soul. I love that it is truly a force of nature, full of so much mystery and power over the imagination. I find that the sea is beautiful in every weather, even when it is grey, foggy and the waves are rolling in there is still a wild beauty to it. A firm resistance to the taming and shaping of society.

Now before you go getting any outlandish ideas, when we go out and swim we are by no means the wetsuit wearing, boggly goggle wearing type with swim caps and front crawl. No way, so get that image out of your head and think more granny like. We don’t swim for miles because we just dawdle along with a sedate breast stroke in our swimming costumes. We don’t really stay in long either since we lack the protection that wetsuits give you. Claire and I prefer to tough it out minimalist style. It’s much more natural that way, you can see and feel more and appreciate it as you go, also changing in and out of your gear doesn’t take as long, which is important when you’re shivering and shaking in the snow or the rain. I have swum in a wetsuit before when it was cold or it looked a bit miserable but it irritates me more because the suit restricts my movement and I like to feel the water against my skin, feel it gnawing its way through my skin and chilling my muscles. It makes me pull a little harder or move a little faster to keep warm.

Now I will go onto the second reason why I wild swim, the first identified why I started and the second is more about why I carry on. As I have talked about some of the feelings it gives me will give you an idea why. But I believe that wild swimming holds so many benefits for your mind and your body. Jack Hudson in the book Swim Wild lists a whole host of potential benefits to be gained; “it fortifies the immune system, decreases your blood pressure, causes your cholesterol levels to drop, burns fat, boosts your metabolism, combats cellulite, releases endorphins and even improves your fertility rate”. No matter what you think about it being crazy, the cold is good for you so in your face naysayers!

Furthermore, Hudson goes on to say that water may lie at the very source of our humanity. An evolutionary paradigm proposed by Alister Hardy that involved industrious foraging and opportunistic hunting as another reason why we became upright two-legged beings. One that contradicted the idea of humans running across the dry savannahs of Africa but more likely gravitating towards to wetter areas and shorelines. Areas where foraging for crustaceans and shallow water fish like catfish was easy and more beneficial than chasing down fast four-legged prey across the grasslands. Due to other physiological similarities with aquatic creatures such as; bone density, intelligence, subcutaneous fat layers and our streamlined shape scientists believe we were built for shallow diving and not for long endurance chasing.

I’ve had lots of people have the odd giggle as we’ve swum past, heartily joking that the water must be fresh or that we are brave for taking the plunge. “Rather you than me!” Well I would rather it was me as well because I know how great it feels and how good it is for my mindset and happiness levels when I look over at Claire and we enjoy a laugh and a splash and roll around like otters before turning back into humans again stumbling back onshore and into the grind of life. For that moment we recapture something, an essence of childhood, feelings of play and a connection to the environment that our bodies and minds are secretly searching for. After all that is what our ancestors did so why can’t we, there’s nothing to fear and only the shackles of society and convention to stop you. So please rebel and get out there, get in there because afterwards the only reason you’ll have to look back is to see the distance you’ve gone.

The Mountains Of Mourne

Hello to whoever actually reads this besides myself, many things are different since the last time I wrote; I've spent the last 11 months in Carlingford, Ireland, new job, new people, new places, new relationships. After a difficult winter period I wanted a fresh start, it was definitely not a "New Year, New Me" cry out but I needed to blow away the cob webs of my old life and shake things up again.

The actual subject of my writing today is our recent trip to the Mourne Mountains which lie North east of us here in Carlingford, well more east than north; they are the fantastic setting for much of the Game off Thrones filming and are rooted in many Irish tales. They are also pretty fantastic to go walking in. So of course that's what we did after several months of work, a break was well needed.
We got to Newcastle (the Irish Newcastle, confusing I know) by bus and wandered up the main path cutting up through the valley that most people use to transport themselves away from the hustle and bustle below. This led up to a saddle between Slieve Donard and Slieve Commedagh where we met the infamous Mourne Wall. The wall was originally built to mark the catchment area for the two reservoirs built in the Silent Valley somewhere below us. Why they felt the need to built a 22 mile wall in the mountains to mark this area I'm not entirely sure but it makes an interesting guide through the peaks. This wall was due to be our friend for the next few days as we were due to mosy along it up and down the various peaks squeezed into the 1,300 acres of land that are the Mournes. So off we went again, buffeted by the wind up Slieve Commedagh and over where we began to spy out a camping place.
Wild camping have many benefits; freedom, solitude, a cracking view. Downsides; on the side of a mountain, wet, boggy and most of all- WINDY! The wind kept gusting all night keeping us up, it was so incredibly windy even when we moved at 1am to try and squeeze a bit more protection from the wall, the wind blew round in every direction harassing our tent all night. It's safe to say we did not really sleep.



Morning time!
The area we were in was a little plateau and the first section of the day was to head to a cutely named Hare's Gap, now it was so steep and so slippy that we might have well have just sat down and slid down if it wasn't for the rocks popping up everywhere and the drop off at the bottom which we didn't see until further down. We approached and thought that looks a little steep. It was. Traversing around that we got down to the gap and there was an almost immediate uphill struggle, the first of many for the day.

Now after having walked around in the Mournes I found they have a very definite character in that they may not be the tallest or covering the biggest area but they have massive personality. To make up for lack of height whatever geological forces created them made them as unpleasantly steep as you can imagine, this is emphasised by the fact that the wall follows the ridges which undulate up and down. Steeply up and steeply down. Another defining character of the Mournes is their stunning atmospheric scenery for example Slieve Binnian has these incredible 'back castles' which are pretty much what they sound like. Huge towering stacks of rock that are lumped down its ridge, Slieve Bearnagh also had some fantastic ones.

Anyway after Hare's Gap, up, up, up we went to Slieve Bearnagh then down, down, down and up, up, up again to Meelmore, Slieve Meelbeg, Slieve Loughshannagh and then Carn Mountain. Now to the seasoned walker that is a good list of ascents for the day but we were super tired at this point as you have to bear in mind that the ridges went down a lot before going back up again to the tops. So you needed to lose and the regain so much height for each peak you did which for me who tries to be quite efficient with their energy (Aka walking slow most of the time) this constant loss and gain was incredibly exhausting. Not to mention the fact I've never really done a big walk on so little sleep before, it all culminated in us being a little fed up so as we got down into the valley. We decided to break away from the relentless wall for a while as it went up and over another peak at the base of the valley. So we just skirted around that and made our way down into the Silent Valley, where the reservoirs are.
By this point it was late afternoon and we decided on spending a little longer finding a good place to camp. Think smarter, not harder. So along the course of our route for the next day was Moolieve and nicely placed on top of that was a cross intersection of the wall. We knew the wind had been blowing westerly all afternoon and weather forecasts said it was due to stay the same throughout the night. This intersection in the wall would be perfect for creating a bit more cover than the night. So we made the last ascent of the day straight up from the valley floor and climbed up and over the wall and began our search for cover.
Now we wanted to stay in Ben's bivi bag as we thought it was the ridiculous shaking of the tent itself as an effect of the wind that kept us up so we wanted to eliminate that but sadly we didn't both fit in the bag and I didn't like the idea of just lying out in my sleeping just in case it got rainy or really cold throughout the night. In the end we squeezed our tent in a little ditch behind the line of the ridge and behind two walls and settled down. Absolutely pointless. Sleepless night, blustery swirling wind, early morning, but toasty warm though.

Click on me to take you to a collection of photos

Have you had enough yet? No? Good, here's an album of photos to interest you again

For our last day and for the sake of the boredom we decided to sack off the wall altogether as from that point it took a completely pointless route, basically too long and boring for us to be able to catch our afternoon bus. So we planned our own little route which ended up being my favourite day. Off we went up Wee Binian which looked like a wart on the side of Slieve Binnian, the next section up Binnian was almost a scramble, lots of rock steps and climby parts which was good to engage the mind off the fact I have a rather large rugsack and that I hadn't slept for two nights. Up at the top I had a wonderful poo with a view. I know in previous writings I have always detailed my loo with a view which you probably don't like to hear about but it is so freeing to just go where you are and sit and enjoy the view for a few minutes, really take it in. This time I was alongside the back castles I mentioned in front of a huge stone sticking straight up out of the ground, it looked almost like a neolithic monument stone put there on purpose. Expanding out in front of me I could the lowlands that quickly turned into the sea and to to the side of me was the Silent Valley and all the mountains arching round that we had done the day before. Weak autumnal morning sunshine was cast over it all and it just created such a beautiful scene that was I lost for a moment as was Ben who was sat a little distance away waiting for me to finish. We then walked down and around the back castles till we got down to the saddle between Binnian and Slievelamagan. We also avoided this mountain because Ben said it was an absolute slog. We did not fancy that so down we went to Ben Cromm reservoir and traversed the edge of it till the we got to the top. Then we went off road following a little path for most of the way or at least it looked like a little sheep path through the heather and the grass towards a track that cut a straight line across the top of the valley and would lead us back to our starting point. This path was awesome it was really level and cut across the top of one valley and continued along into the next valley then up to the saddle where we had started. Now I was quite paranoid about missing the bus so I took advantage of the flat and got a march on, putting on steam to make up some time.

Then after basically running back down the valley into Newcastle we actually made the bus with minutes to spare; we were so pooped when we got back that we got takeaway and went to bed. We had talked all day about crawling into bed, cuddling up and having the best sleep of our lives but as we woke up in the morning we hadn't even slept that well. How disappointing.


Despite the lack of sleep and the ups and down the Mournes are an incredible challenge for any level of walker, a beautiful place that reminds me slightly of areas of Snowdonia where you can look down from your lofty perch and see the sea spreading out. It might sound strange that our idea of relaxing and recuperating from work was to go on a three day hike but for us being out in the fresh air with just ourselves and the path in front refreshed our minds and reset our hearts to a new rhythm. Walking and being in the mountains is an incredible therapy which I would prescribe for anyone no matter how far you go. The simple pleasure of walking with the people you love is an experience not to be missed.

‘Nyika’ The Source of Springs

Click on me for more photos

As evidenced by the title, Nyika (neeka) national park means the source of springs. Probably because it is one of the highest point in Malawi, the highest point being on Nganda mountain which apparently lies at 8552ft above sea level which is rather spectacular. The plateau is in itself a remarkable place driving along bumpy potholed tracks you see an ever changing landscape of rolling hills and grasslands not too dissimilar from the Yorkshire moors at first glance. On second glance eland, bush buck (or Nyika impala) are seen, pine forests appear and rock outcrops pop out. One hill gives way to another until as far as the high eye can see are ranges that disappear north east and south into the park and west into Zambia, the park being on the border of Malawi and Zambia. Eruptions of small birds burst out of the grasses as our Izuzu blunders past and resettle again before we have a chance to see anything apart from a brown rump. I believe birds have a sixth sense for these things, evolution seems to have given them the ability to know when a camera is pointed their way. For the bird lovers a few we have seen both are; Denham’s Bustard, Francolin, Spotted Eagle Owl, Common Quail and an Ogre Buzzard. We also saw an unnamed black eagle and some sort of falcon in the morning. Other wildlife we spotted include; eland, roan antelope, bush buck, zebra, warthog (who are also very adept at running away from the camera), hares. And finally the jewel in the crown, during the night drive a pair of red reflective eyes amongst the long grass revealed a serval cat, an absolute joy to see. I have only ever seen them on television and to see one sat their yawning in the grass ready to start its night time hunting I was certainly chuffed.

We have been able to see a variety of areas on our drives through the park, setting off early we headed for Chisanga Falls this led us to some rough track and down into forested valleys which probably hid the few elephants that are around this time of year. This area had a hidden gem feel to it and it did reveal some wonderful views as well as a temptation to continue along the road to one of the most northerly of Malawi, Chitipa. We have also done one of the small northerly loops (still about 20km long) and we were immediately graced by more spectacular views, even more so that we had seen already. The area had such character, the blossom of colour and flora in the valley bottoms created mini oasis’ in the folds of the hills and surrounding the springs. A very familiar plant also lurks around which is a pest here, fern! Here thanks to the peculiar grey colour, it takes on a beautiful quality as its spattered around the contours of the hills making the landscape seem like an old man’s unshaven beard.

By this point I had taken over the reins of the car and was lead navigator of the tracks, bumps and grooves with success and even traversed my first rickety bridge, I was thoroughly enjoying myself bouncing along in charge of a huge 4x4 absorbing all the views (of which I will not stop going on about, it is amazing!). We headed round our loop and were rumbling toward our temporary home in the pine trees. Pine trees may seem an odd thing to find in an African national park however they were brought over by of the British (along with the fern) and are grown and cut down in certain areas of the park.

On the afternoon/evening drive we saw much of what we’d already seen but in slightly greater numbers and we were able to put names to the game which we had currently only been able to call antelope or deer thingy ma bobs. We parked up on a rocky outcrop to fully enjoy the sun set with biscuit and tea in hands, it did not disappoint. There peeking through the cloud was the unmistakeable African red sun, I think it is so red because of the dust here which gets everywhere!

Setting off again it was on to the spotlight and scanning the surrounding for any eyes reflecting the light, we saw more zebra and bush buck there was also a Denham bustard we scared away and a spotted eagle owl which was rather cool, a good moment but the great moment as I’ve said was the serval cat sitting posing for us. An absolutely stunning creature, we could see the spots and stripes and the big radar ears which blended it perfectly into the grass as well as equipping it for night time hunting. We didn’t see much more of note on the way back but I did stand up to poke my head out of the sun roof and properly admire the heavens laid out above us and the crescent moon casting its eerie unnatural light, spec-tac-u-lar!!!!!

The ultimate serenity of this place is brilliant and I want to come back in the rainy season when it is transformed into a rainbow of colours and lushness and the elephants come back up. The comfort and luxury of the lodge makes it an ideal holiday spot, even the campsite is in a great little spot if you do it on the cheap. The only challenge is to get your 4x4 up and down the dodgy track and from there it's plain sailing!

A Flavour of Malawi

So for you curious bunnies I thought I would try to give an essence of what it is like over here in the world of the Rift Valley. Well for starters, the geography of Malawi, it is a rather small eastern African country nestled quite snugly between Mozambique, Zambia and Tanzania (little fact they pronounce Tanzania Tan-zay-nia) and is mostly dominated by the natural beauty which is Lake Malawi  or Lake Nyasa to locals. Lake Malawi is the worlds 9th largest lake and Africa's 3rd largest. It is also renowned for it's vast array of Cichlids, cute little colourful fish which occur in a greater variety of species here than anywhere else in the world. So it already sounds pretty great right?

Another fact I like about Malawi is that where we're situated in Mzuzu, is 4183 feet above sea level (around the height of Ben Nevis :O ) whereas the lake lies around 1500 feet. SO when we go for trips down to the shore we have a lot of downhill to cover!

Other than the bare facts about the place which already make it a naturally and ecologically varied place, is the incredible human element to the country. I have found that many Malawians speak English which makes travelling around and buying things relatively easy, they love to laugh and most definitely quick to get a good bargain for things. The general backward ways of Africa are of course present along with some amusing characteristics such as never appearing to fix cars so if you're daring enough to drive at night (and barely any cars have fully functioning headlights) the way to be seen is to put your indicator on so oncoming traffic can see you, mad right! The overladen lorries also make me chuckle trucks filled with god knows what piled high with people perched on top crawling its way up the hill and taking up the entire narrow roads blowing smoke and making a racket. Bumpy dirt roads, waving children, clay brick houses and fishermen in dug outs all go a small way to give picture of what it is like here.

What I like most is the incredible diversity of this place, the lushness of the lakeside with the easy supply of water and fish, the extensive forests and the rolling hills, the high plateaus and low valley bottoms, the beautiful lodges and traditional food. It is a place of many differences there are rich and poor areas, the rich live in brick house with tin roofs with walls surrounding and the poor live in small brick huts in little road side villages selling things like bananas, reed fencing and charcoal. You can buy so much here (last time I was here I was convinced I put on weight we got through so much food), people even come to the window if you're sitting in the car and offer you bananas, tomatoes, carrots anything.

So far we have been to places like Vwaza and Liwonde parks (oh the elephants!!!) Salima, Karonga, Nkhata Bay (this is where to get touristy items such as carved elephant, necklaces, figurines etc), Chinteche and Lilongwe but there are still many more places to go and so much I could say about this small but characteristic place. So many many more things to see about the weird, wonderful and downright barmy things that make up Malawi, but the only way to truly know what I am on about is to come here for yourselves.

Keep a look out for a bit more as we are going to Nyika next week a national park set high up on a plateau and is well known for birds (as is most of Malawi) grazing animals and the flora.


I highly recommend Malawi and it has made me eager to see the rest of Africa and learn their characters and taste their flavours now that this Msungu (foreigner, white person) knows her way around this little part of the continent, the rest becomes ever more enticing.

Click on this picture to see a selection of photographs from Malawi to see just how beautiful it is here